Each of us have our “go-to” behavioral patterns that we slide right into without conscious awareness. Do any of these sound familiar: people pleasing, conflict avoidance, cognitive dissonance, hyper-vigilance, aggression or passivity (or that very common combo of passive-aggressive), perfectionism.
Our well-honed behavioral patterns are usually rooted in childhood and served us well back in the day, but now they just get in our way. The reality is that we have outgrown those old behavioral patterns — and for good reason — we now have agency and autonomy. But in order to step out of the patterns and into empowerment, we have to acknowledge our reliance and comfort level with our old ways.
Again it is helpful to remember that our thoughts and emotions are drivers for our behavioral patterns.
If we think we are somehow responsible for a conflict and feel extremely uncomfortable, we will choose the behavioral pattern that gets us back to home base where we feel safe, as fast as possible.
Home base for us all is homeostasis — our body’s ability to maintain a stable environment despite external circumstances. As kids, we modified our behavior in an attempt to get adults back to home base. If they were calm, then we felt safe.
As adults who can make their own decisions and hopefully manage their own emotions, we no longer need to rely on behavioral patterns to protect us. Now we are mature enough to use power tools.
In order to break the habit of relying on old patterns, you will have to catch yourself in the act. Stop acting like a kid reliant on old behaviors.
Become a keen observer of situations that make you feel uneasy, overly responsible, or wanting to run for cover. These are the tell-tale signs that will drive you to choose a behavioral pattern. Note that you are solving for your own discomfort and not the actually problem at hand.
People pleasers will literally wear themselves out doing, fixing and rescuing only to discover that all their efforts and good intentions did not help in a meaningful way. Conflict avoiders find themselves dealing with the same old arguments over and over instead of making progress. Those who are hyper-vigilant struggle when things don’t go according to plan, and find themselves jumping out of their skin frequently. Perfectionists can’t leave well enough alone, because there is always perceived room for improvement.
In other words, your outgrown behavioral patterns are wearing you out. They are also preventing you from building healthy, trustworthy, dependable relationships.
Take stock of any common behavioral patterns you recognize as your own personal favorites. Take note of when you feel inclined to fall back on them. Then make a plan to try using power tools instead of giving up your power.
Pulling that thread from everything you are learning, become a sturdy leader for yourself so that you can get back to home base BEFORE you act on discomfort.
In fact, begin to build a tolerance for discomfort. Over time, as you get more practiced with your agency and ability to use better relationship tools, you’ll replace uneasiness with confidence. As Dr. Becky would tell you, it is not your job to make everyone else happy. In reality, that’s an impossible task, which is precisely why outgrown behavioral patterns don’t work in the long run.
You know how good it feels to do a Marie Kondo on your closets and purge what no longer fits or makes you feel great? That’s the feeling you will get when you discard outgrown behavioral patterns.
Posts related to Behavioral Patterns:
Forrest Hanson does a great job of summarizing how we came to rely on our patterns and why we should change them to take control of our own lives: