Trailheads & Pivot Points

Few of us were taught that we have two nervous systems. The basic, primal one gets activated first. It’s a bit like an internal smoke alarm system and we feel it. Our first impulses are fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Our basic nervous system puts us on high alert. We feel our hearts race, knots in our stomach, muscles tense and fists clench. The basic nervous system feels restrictive by design – it is our first line of defense when we do not feel safe.

Begin to pay attention to how your body responds and reacts when your basic nervous system gets activated. Remember that it is hard to think clearly and act responsibly when the house smoke alarm is blaring. The same is true with the body alarms we feel so viscerally. When we are highly activated, we will not. be able to think and act with clarity.

Take care of your basic nervous system first and foremost. Take a few deep calming breaths and a purposeful pause. It is the equivalent of silencing the house smoke alarm. Is it really a 3 alarm fire or burnt toast?

That pause between stimulus and response, accompanied by deep restorative, calming breaths, gives us some breathing room and shifts us psychologically so that we can access our second, and more sophisticated nervous system: the parasympathetic nervous system.

Our parasympathetic nervous system is the “tend and befriend” partner. When we can plug into the parasympathetic nervous system with self-compassion and personal agency, we can quite easily shift into the executive function of our brains. We can then think more clearly and access our vast self-knowledge reference material. We can problem solve, make better decisions for preferred outcomes and be logical and more rational.

Again, few of us were ever taught that it is both our responsibility and our personal choice to operate with the more sophisticated, complex parts of our body-brain components. That’s primarily because up until recently, we did not know that these features were age-gated. Our brains need about 25 years to fully develop and build the neural networks that give us access to these higher powers of self-control.

When we are kids, we rely most heavily on auto-pilot and default mode networks. By design, our basic nervous system, negativity bias and default mode networks provided primal defense mechanisms to keep us safe — until we were mature enough to be able to do all this for ourselves.

If you pair an evolving inner coach with your parasympathetic nervous system, you will be reaching for the controls to self-manage whatever life delivers.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, the contemporary parenting guru, reminds us to become sturdy leaders for our kids. She uses the analogy of an airline pilot, well practiced in managing turbulence, and assuring the passengers. I’ll draw on her work to remind you of your personal agency. Become your own sturdy leader first and foremost. Whether you are a parent or not, Dr. Becky’s advice is spot on. As an adult, you now have full access to your personal cockpit. Take over the sophisticated controls. You are in charge.

You may be noticing more conversations about our basic nervous systems these days. Both neuroscience and psychology are playing a key role in mainstreaming and normalizing how to care for our nervous systems to reduce anxiety and shift us into more self-empowerment over our thoughts, behaviors and emotions. There are such positive physical and mental health benefits to be derived by calming our nervous systems.

Joe Hudson, the master life coach and founder of the Art of Accomplishment program, often reinforces the fact that when we walk around in our lives, wired and tight, we are living in a very restrictive state. We close ourselves off from being able to think clearly, act rationally – and be both open-minded and open-hearted.

To get a sense of this, squeeze your fist as tight as you can. How does that feel – in your fist and in your body? Not good, right?

Now open your fist, take a deep calming breath, relax your fingers and palm. Notice how your body follow suit, relaxing and softening, heart rate slowing, breathing normal. Turn your relaxed, open palm upward, extend your fingers gently. This is the striking contrast of living your life with an open mind and open heart. You have so much more room to hold space for yourself and to choose wisely; to make decisions grounded in getting a good outcome (rather than leaving things to chance). You can hold opinions lightly with an open palm. You can more easily challenge an old narrative about yourself and update it. You can access curiosity and wonder and bypass judgment (of yourself and others).

Kristin Neff is a phenomenal resource for self-compassion and for better understanding both nervous systems. Once you tap into her research, you will be inspired to tap into your parasympathetic nervous system early and often. Just a few consistent experiences of shifting gears from basic nervous system to the tend and befriend parasympathetic one will have transforming in no time. Check out this short YouTube video to get a real-time example of this shift:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6dbMDvKgLE

Pay attention to your basic nervous system and become better acquainted with your parasympathetic nervous system. Now that you are a full grown adult, begin to use your parasympathetic nervous system AND your executive functions of your brain as the dynamic duo they are!

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