Who are you?
When was the last time that you stopped to ask yourself that very question? When was the last time that you gave it some real thought, reflecting on the “through line” that weaves its way through all the roles that you have? What are the best and most consistent parts of you that rise to the surface as you move from home and family, to work and colleagues, to community and friends?
This is not a common practice and certainly not one that we were taught. We were often asked as kids “what we wanted to be when we grew up” but not “who we want wanted to be.” As a direct result, we often self-identify by what we do rather than who we actually are.
We introduce ourselves to others as an entrepreneur, a consultant, banker, techie, podcaster, content creator, teacher, etc. Depending on the setting, we might say we are mothers, fathers, spouses, single parents, siblings or grandparents. Again, even these roles that imply we have meaningful relationships, they speak more to the role that is spotlighted in that moment. If you just zoom out for a minute, even you can recognize that you all of those — rolled into one!
But who are you at the core? What matters most to you in all these roles you play and hats you wear? Is there a lot of overlap in your core values and the goals embedded in your many roles? There is a high probability that the way you conduct yourself in each of these roles is the through line of “who you really are”.
What we are learning through neuroscience and psychology is that we are best served by cultivating a self identity that is rooted in our core values and is malleable enough to adapt to change without getting unmoored. Who you are matters much more than what you do. “What you do” is subject to change; some of it by proactive choice and a lot of it by factors completely out of our control.
At the core, you remain true to yourself and who you are. Which is precisely why it is so important to forge an identity that captures your essence.
Yes, you might change careers by losing a job or pursuing a new one; you will retire someday or become an empty nester; you may turn a hobby into a business, turn a health crisis into a non-profit. You will reinvent yourself often in a lifetime. Who you are will be the foundation for these transformations and pivot points.
You might not be familiar with the term “identity foreclosure” yet you most likely have experienced it. When you were a kid, did your parents and others convince you that you would become a great attorney, a pro athlete, take over the family business or join the military like your dad and granddad? So often, well intentioned family members live a little too vicariously through their kids. In an effort to win parental approval and even give mom and dad some peace of mind that you won’t have a failure to launch, you just might give it the old college try. You’ll find countless stories of people who were sitting behind a desk or making rounds in a hospital with a gnawing sense that this job wasn’t really for them.
You’ll be hearing more about “identity foreclosure” as we all become more self-aware of how we might be self-sabotaging when we limit ourselves based solely on an identity rooted in what we do rather than who we are.
Take a listen to this short reel from elite sports psychologist, Dr. Michael Gervais, to get a real feel for how our self identity starts to take shape when we are adolescents:
Our self identity evolves over time and most especially over our lifetime. When we are intentional about who we are and who we are becoming, we align our values, goals and actions.
We take our best self with us, consistently and with confidence, into the many roles we have in life.
Anytime we are facing an “identity crisis”, it has a lot more to do with the role we were playing than who we truly are.
Start the process of self identity by getting crystal clear about your core values. Brene Brown tells us in her book Strong Ground, that we should limit it two. Those two core values will anchor you in the best version of yourself across the full spectrum of your many roles.
When you are able to ground yourself like this, you live more authentically. You will possess a natural fluidity as you move in and out of different roles, authentically your true self.
We can begin to recognize that we are much more malleable and agile than we think. A rock solid self identity gives us the flex we need to pivot, adapt, grow and transform all throughout life.
If you want to take a deeper dive into identity, this Huberman Lab podcast episode with the ever-evolving Dr. Maya Shankar, host of “A Slight Change of Plans” is just the ticket: