One of the greatest opportunities to mining for gold when it comes to self-discovery is who we are, how we show up, in our relationships.
Terry Real, the renowned family therapist, tells us that we “marry our unfinished business”. It is not all unusual to be drawn to partners who feel like a famliar “comfort zone” only to discover that it’s anything but comfortable over time. That’s because we’ve outgrown the behavioral patterns we formed in childhood. This is a healthy step in the right direction if we are willing to do some self exploration.
A great place to start is to look at the learned attachment style you developed in childhood. The attachment style we adopted as kids stems directly from how our parents handled emotions – their own and ours. Since emotional intelligence, integration, co-regulation and emotional management was not a common parenting priority for most of us, we all have serious work to do to shift out of unhealthy attachment styles into a secure attachment style.
Take a look at this list and see what feels most familiar to you:
Anxious-Ambivalent: This style of attachment makes children distrust caregivers, which leads to insecurities such as a fear of abandonment and a strong need for approval. This attachment style makes us overly dependent on other people. People pleasing, shape-shifting to fit in, extreme neediness can stem from this attachment style.
Avoidant: This style of attachment stems from learning that your emotional needs are unlikely to be met. A child grows up feeling invisible, insignificant, unloveable or unworthy. We have difficulty understanding our own emotions and those of other people. We can compartmentalize, rely on cognitive dissonance or stonewalling as a way to avoid dealing with relationship emotions.
Disorganized: This attachment style is a combo of avoidant and anxious-ambivalent. Children with this attachment style have a hard time controlling intense feelings, especially anger. As kids we threw temper tantrums, break things, have meltdowns and strained relationships with most of our caregivers. As adults, our inner 8 year old often shows up with the same patterns – anger is what we rely on most often to get attention and solve for emotional discomfort.
Secure: I saved the best for last — A secure attachment style is the ultimate goal for our relationships. The gold standard. A secure attachment style is a warm, loving, consistent bond between parent and child. The secure attachment style develops a healthy, confident emotional relationship to ourselves and with others. When we have a secure attachment style, we learn to rely on psychological tools and relational skills to manage our emotions rather than old protective coping mechanisms.
The reality is that most of us were never taught as kids how to feel and identify our emotions; how to learn from them and choose our response to match the outcome we’d like to achieve. So, we let our emotions drive us around and that’s what gets us into relationship trouble.
So, when Terry Real points out that we “marry our unfinished business”, it is his way of saying, we have work to do and it will become very crystal clear in our relationships. Our go-to behavioral patterns are directly linked to our attachment style. Figure out what you rely on the most to feel safe, seen, heard and valued – and you’ll make some remarkable self-discoveries.
Terry also reminds us that what served us well in childhood becomes the obstacle to healthy, thriving relationships in adulthood. We’ve outgrown those old patterns of behavior.
Brene Brown reinforces the importance of shedding outgrown patterns and protective armor in her latest book, Strong Ground. She reminds us that we’ve been conditioned to believe that “fear” was the root cause of many of our relationship struggles, but it is protective armor that blocks real connection.
Go back to your origin story and remember how emotions were handled in your family. If your parents were not able to role model mature emotional management, then you did not learn this most essential life skill. Unpack how emotions were handled and be honest about how you currently deal with your own emotions and those of others, especially in your relationships.
It’s time to trade in the old patterns for new and improved psychological tools and emotionally agility.
The road to stronger, healthier and happier relationships is paved with your sincere intention to show up better.
Check out these two shorts reel from Terry Real: