What If It Brings Out The Best In You?
There is nothing I love more than when something we once believed to be a problem is flipped on its head – and turns out to be a golden opportunity.
And so it is with peer pressure.
Trail Coach is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
When we hear “peer pressure” most of us can probably remember with distinct clarity being back in high school and feeling pressured into going along with some crazy idea that was certain to lead to trouble. We did it anyway. We caved to peer pressure.
Few of us ever stopped to consider the reality that we could be quite easily influenced by our peers, so just maybe — we should be much more diligent about picking our peers.
And right there is the new fulcrum — the pivot point that Angela Duckworth’s research reveals is key. We can use peer pressure to our advantage — we simply have to be quite discerning about picking our peers.
Angela shares in her latest book, Situated, what most of us already know. We are most like the 5 people when spend the most time with on a regular basis. We become an organic amalgamation of our closest peers. And we often let that up to chance.
She devotes an entire chapter to picking our peers wisely. Imagine that you are creating a board of directors for your life. Who do you want offering you guidance and mentoring you through challenging decisions? Most definitely you want to consider the source – and you want to entice and hire the right advisors to sit with you and guide you through the process. There is no way you would leave this to chance if you were being intentional and thoughtful about it.
Yet we do just that without a second thought. We hang out with fun people, with friends who often get us into trouble or are endlessly distracting. Truth be told, it might even feel good to be in the company of others who are as disorganized, messy and ill-prepared as we are. Like kinds find a lot of camaraderie in complaining and comparing their plights.
There may be an outlier in your friend group. That one person who is fun but is not always available, who seems to have his act together or is always at the ready to pitch in with a well-throughout plan of action. Who is the reliable one in your circle of 5? What might that person be doing differently that actually is working FOR them?
As I was reading Angela’s research on the dynamic power of peers, an old memory surfaced for me. It was in the mid-1990’s when I was working for a large super-regional bank in center city Philadelphia. There were lots of inspirational posters about teamwork and motivation hanging in the lunchroom and conference rooms. One poster was a stand out: “It is hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by a bunch of turkeys.”
That poster always caught my attention back in the day, but it only served to remind me that I was in fact surrounded by turkeys. I’d sit in endless meetings gaining nothing of real value and daydreaming about how I could have used that two hours in a much more productive way.
One day, I was bemoaning the fact that I was not feeling motivated or inspired by my coworkers; and that my boss wasn’t challenging us in a meaningful way. I was bored. I was confiding all of this to someone I respected; someone I wished I worked for instead. At the time, I didn’t realize I was actually seeking the wise counsel of a mentor. This man was an eagle – and I wanted to be more like him. I was also quite envious of the people who did work for him and who all seemed to be excelling, soaring and enjoying their jobs.
He offered to mentor me. Not only that, he pointed out that while I might be surrounded by turkeys in my department, I had a lot of eagles outside of that immediate group who were also mentors and coaches for me. He urged me to look beyond the pool of peers I was currently a part of and to look outside; “Diversify your eagles”, he told me.
I’d long forgotten that his sound advice had an incredible impact on me, until I read Angela’s chapter on picking your peers. Back in the day, I was a wealth management client advisor. I’d had my head down for so long that I failed to see that the most diverse, dynamic mentors were readily at my disposal — they were my clients. Highly successful entrepreneurs and family business owners who were actively building their thriving companies. Just 5 years after complaining about being surrounded by turkeys, I left the bank and started my own business. And guess who my board of advisors were: my former clients.
Angela’s research has proven that peer pressure can work to our advantage, but not if we are surrounded by peers who are only flapping their wings. We need to pick the peers that help us to soar.
Life is a team sport. Pick your peers wisely and you benefit greatly from the power of great minds supporting each other. Group thinking, brainstorming and sharing practical experience becomes a force multiplier. You get an uplift, encouragement and scaffolding all at once.
Angela amplifies the benefits of peer accountability. Remember that Aiko Bethea has wisely noted that accountability is a prerequisite for learning. Peers who support you won’t let you off the hook if you start slacking on learning. They’ll hold your feet to the fire and remind you what you value and why you are doing the work. Peer learning is dynamic and fluid – because you gain diverse perspectives.
You begin to build cognitive muscles of looking at a problem or opportunity from many angles. You stop resisting so much and being judgmental and you naturally migrate to being curious, open-minded and growth oriented.
What if we are making things so much harder for ourselves when it comes to personal growth and self-development. What if we are succumbing to peer pressure and not gaining traction because our group spends too much time complaining, blaming and spinning their wheels?
Noteworthy Resources:
