You probably know this already but it’s so hard to part with something you’ve had for so long, something that feels as comfortable as your favorite pair of jeans. Yes, I am talking about those faded old behavioral patterns. They are no longer becoming.
Those “go to” behavioral patterns haven’t helped you make any meaningful change have they? They are simply a template for more of the same. No wonder you feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Old behavioral patterns don’t solve or resolve anything.
The reality is that the only thing “out of style” behavioral patterns are good for is making us feel better when we get emotionally triggered. Our favorite pattern of behavior solves for our discomfort — not the actual problem.
What’s your “go to” pattern? Are you a people pleaser, conflict avoider or hyper-vigilant contingency planner? Maybe you are a perfectionist, an antagonist or a shrinking violet.
Begin to pay attention to how you feel in your body when you feel like you most need a comforting weighted blanket. You feel unsafe around someone, emotionally dis-regulated and shook up. You might feel your chest tighten, your muscles tense, your heart race and your hands shake. You need immediate relief from all that discomfort.
You are catipultated into action — and rely quite heavily on outgrown behavioral patterns as easily as you’d swallow two Advil and hope for quick relief.
Let’s be clear — these old behavioral patterns are true blue, tried and tested, and did the trick when we were young. When we were kids, we couldn’t administer Advil to ourselves, so we had to come up with something that would ease the discomfort. It was adults who caused us to feel so scared because our bodies were in big distress and we didn’t know there was any other way to take care. As kids, we might have actually believed that those distressful feelings would last a long time and that terrified us too. We just wanted to feel safe and at ease. If our parents or caregivers were ok, then we’d be okay too. We learned to calm the adults in the room by adapting behaviors that were helpful to them so that we would feel safe. As kids, feeling safe was when we stopped trembling, calmed a racing heart and could come out from under cover.
We reach for our old behavioral patterns without a second thought when we feel that familiar discomfort of emotional dis-regulation. One minute, we are calmly going about our day and then someone bursts into the room, all flustered and discombobulated. Boom – we are caught off guard and we instinctively solve for our own immediate discomfort.
Can you imagine a giant bottle of Advil sitting on the table and whenever we find ourselves in these swirls of emotional discomfort, we pop two for ourselves and offer two to the instigator? We might agree to wait the pain out for ten minutes. Chances are we’d just forget about the discomfort then and resume our normal activities.
Eventually the Advil would wear off and we’d find ourselves still having to deal with the returning discomfort. Maybe the cause is a splinter, a bruise, an upset stomach. When we solve for the real problem, we are taking an action that produces meaningful help and soothing comfort.
And so it is with our “out of style” behavioral patterns. These well-grooved, faded patterns of attending to our discomfort only keep us dis-empowered.
We can make some space in our inner closets for more updated fashion when it comes to how we handle emotional triggers in ourselves and others. Out with the old childhood patterns and in with power tools. Our power tools are relationship and life skills that help us customize solutions to fit the problem in the present moment. No more using “one size fits all” dated patterns of behavior.
When we were kids, we didn’t have too many choices. Others held the power.
As adults, we now have that personal empowerment we couldn’t wait to get – but we acquiesce it time and again without much awareness.
It’s time to shift the paradigm. Start by identifying your favorite “go to” behavioral patterns when you feel so emotionally uncomfortable. Validate that “yes, that is exactly what you tend to do in tough situations.”
With this self awareness and acknowledgment, your next assignment is to “catch yourself in the act”. Catch yourself in the act of reaching for that “youth-size small, faded, stretched and tattered” old solution for emotional discomfort.
Stop, pause and pivot.
Stop and take a deep breath. Validate all that emotional discomfort and acknowledge that it is temporary. It will dissipate in intensity when you work compassionately with it instead of amplifying it.
Pause. That space between stimulus and response is where you take a giant step forward into self-empowerment. You are the adult in the room now. You have options, choices and agency.
Pivot. Reach for power tools now (not that old restrictive pattern). You can use a boundary; you can listen to understand and ask what help really looks like for someone else; you can validate someone else’s big and justified emotions without letting them consume you.
Are you ready to do a purge of the out of style patterns that aren’t becoming?
As you are becoming a better version of yourself, clean out the inner closet and make space for tools and skills that will look so much better on you!
You are all grown up now and you can customize solutions for common emotional dis-regulation like a pro.
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