Adam Grant once found himself ruminating much too long and hard on feedback he was given about a presentation he’d given. The feedback landed more like harsh critique and judgment with little opportunity for room for improvement.
The more he thought about it, the more clarity he actually got. He realized that the person who gave him the “feedback” was not someone he would seek out for advice.
He put the feedback into perspective.
Even at a surface level, Adam got an invaluable life lesson from reflecting on this one experience. He developed a ranking for the weight he would put on someone’s feedback. If the person was someone he would seek out for advice and ways to improve, their feedback mattered. If the person was not someone he’d turn to for wise counsel, he’d take their feedback with a grain of salt.
Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist and a teaching professor at Wharton, University of Pennsylvania. He gives lectures and presentations often; he is highly practiced in public speaking. Yet, here he was — ruminating about the “feedback” he’d received from someone in a general audience.
There was so much more to explore and reflect upon – and Adam did not let this opportunity go to waste. After all, Adam wrote a book entitled “Think Again” and he took a few pages from that book to do some further examination.
What Adam discovered was that even well-intentioned people can offer us some rather unhelpful feedback. Their own discomfort with public speaking might color their opinion. What if that person who offered him such harsh criticism and judgment could never imagine themselves up on stage speaking to a hundred strangers?
Their opinion might be constrained by how uncomfortable they would be in a similar situation. All those distressing internal feelings were projected outward and landed on Adam. No wonder he felt the sting of harsh criticism and judgment.
He could see so clearly now that what was being offered as “feedback” was really internal projections.
When Adam makes an important discovery like this, he teaches it to others. That is what he does best. He distills the knowledge and insight that he has gained from a personal experience and offers it to us so we can learn more quickly.
People are prone to offer us advice when we didn’t ask for it. People will feel obligated to give us feedback when we ask, even if it is not their area of expertise (or comfort).
On the flip side of this is our “imagined” opinions that we think others might have. Our fear of other people’s opinions overshadows our own ability to judge for ourselves.
Adam Grant offers us fresh lenses when it comes to seeking feedback, advice and guidance. He starts with the premise that most of us are looking for the kind of input that really does help us improve. He suggests that we become more discerning about who’s advice and feedback we take seriously.
If the feedback is unsolicited, ask yourself — is this a person I would seek out and ask for advice? You can borrow Adam’s rating system for times like this.
If you know this person has your best interests at heart, knows what your goals are and is well practiced themselves – go ahead and give their feedback more weight in your value calculation.
If, on the other hand, this person is the last one you’d ask for advice in this area of your life, then you can discount it. It should carry very little weight in your value calculation.
The second component of Adam’s teaching is that we should seek out people whose wise counsel we value; those who are experienced and well-practiced in the areas of our life where we are striving for self improvement. These are hand-picked coaches and mentors.
Think about how careful you are in selecting a gym trainer, a golf instructor or a math tutor for your child. You want to be just as discerning about your life coaches and mentors.
Ethan Kross, who authored both Chatter and Shift, also has some great wisdom to offer about coaches, mentors and friends. He encourages us to know the strengths and weaknesses of the people we interact with on a daily basis. We can begin to much more intentional about who we turn to when we need a little help.
Which one of our friends is really great at reframing and helping us see where we are making progress in times that we feel like we are floundering?
Who in our family knows our history and emotional triggers best? Chances are high that this person validates us while also encouraging us to embrace a new approach to a familiar problem.
Who lets you complain and vent without offering advice? These are the folks that let you dump out all the messy pieces and keep you company while you sort through and choose what you should work on for yourself.
We may not realize that we already have a pretty rock solid team of coaches, mentors and friends that scaffold us through our personal discovery and self improvement. We just need to get much better at weighting whose advice and feedback is genuinely helpful.
We can also get more proactive about tapping into the sage advice and guidance from those who have a lot to offer from their own lived experiences.
As Dr. Michael Gervais offers on his Finding Mastery podcast: “No one does this work alone.”
Build a personal coaching staff of people you trust and respect. Turn to them for the feedback that really counts.
