Authenticity has become the cultural buzzword. We often offer it as a “get out of jail free card” like you use in a game of Monopoly.
No accountability for poor behavior– just a shoulder shrug and our resigned acceptance “that’s just who they are”.
However, being authentically who we are doesn’t mean being completely unfiltered. We can’t thrive or grow into our potential without some ownership for our impact on others. We need some guardrails.
Those guardrails become the trellis for our personal growth; the scaffolding that keeps us in alignment with our core values and our behaviors. Without guardrails we’d be more like a kudzu vine, running rampant and choking out the best parts of ourselves and others.
In his book, Rise Above, Scott Barry Kaufman makes it clear that being our best authentic self requires us to thread the needle with great care. We want to balance who we truly are with our impact on others.
We can’t be undisciplined and just do what we want without regard to how if affects our family, friends and colleagues. We’d find ourselves all alone pretty quickly if we were completely unfiltered.
Nedra Glover Tawwab wrote a book called “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” to make the case for using boundaries as a pivotal tool for healthy relationships. When we set and hold a boundary, we are making it clear what is acceptable for us to stay in relationships with others. Boundaries are guardrails – the trellis we need for personal growth.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, the sage parenting expert, also relies heavily on boundaries as a foundational life skill we want to teach our kids. Rock solid boundaries are incredibly effective, providing the trusting foundation our kids need most during the time of greatest self-discovery. We want our kids to be able to stand up for themselves when they are older. Boundaries are the guardrails they’ll instinctively use when peer pressure tests their authenticity.
It’s time we step back and reflect on what being authentically ourselves really means. Scott Barry Kaufman places the emphasis on “healthy authenticity” and that resonates.
Take this example, if we were unfiltered about our nutrition, we wouldn’t be very healthy. Just like little kids, we’d raid the pantry for chips and candy, eat ice cream for breakfast and brownies for lunch. It all tastes delicious but by mid-day, we wouldn’t be feeling so good.
And so it is with our authenticity — the goal is to strive for healthy authenticity. Being our best self and in healthy, harmonious relationships with others. We want to be proud of who we are (healthy self esteem), while recognizing that we will make mistakes and we have room to grow. Our impact on others will be the litmus test to our health and well-being when it comes to our authenticity.
Scott offers this guideline for working toward healthy authenticity:
“Healthy authenticity is about self-accountability and self-acceptance. It’s about taking responsibility for your whole self, using it as a lever to grow as a person and to develop meaningful relationships with others. Like self-actualization, authenticity is more a process than an endpoint.”
The next time you feel like offering a “get out of jail free card” to yourself or someone else who is really just acting “unfiltered” instead of “authentic”, help them make a healthy choice. Use a boundary as the trellis they need for self-discovery and personal growth.
Healthy authenticity brings out the best in all of us.
