Do you know what benefits you the most when you are diving headfirst into a “first time”?
It’s a good coach!
When it’s your first rodeo – you want someone who’s “been there, done that” – to help you tackle this new experience with some foundational wisdom.
Both Ryan Holiday and Ethan Kross encourage us to build a personal coaching staff to help us through the countless “first times” we will undoubtedly have in our lives. To be clear, this doesn’t mean hiring a bunch of professionals. It means carefully cultivating friends, family members and mentors who know you well and have your best interests at heart.
It is key to remember the operative word here is “coach”. You want people who will help you stretch out of your comfort zone, challenge you in a productive way, and hold you accountable.
Coaches help you grow and recognize your hidden potential. They keep you on track, motivate you to put in the reps on new habits and skills; they keep track of your progress and remind you of how far you’ve come. They often have an intuitive sense of what you are truly capable of accomplishing. Seasoned coaches have a lot of life experience under their own belt and can repurpose those examples to bolster you.
You want to be discerning about your personal coaching staff. It is very tempting to look for cheerleaders instead. While we all need a few enthusiastic cheerleaders on the sidelines, it is the coaches that help us put points on the board. We’ve got to do the work to win the game.
In his book, Shift, Ethan Kross shares that his personal coaching staff is comprised of friends and family members whom he trusts to be honest, who are clear about his values and goals and keep him aligned. His coaches are good at reframing and offering fresh perspectives when is in struggle with the bigger picture. He knows exactly which coach to call when he needs a reality check; and which one will help him role-play a dicey situation.
Ryan Holiday uses a sports analogy to showcase the inherent value of a dynamic coaching staff. While we often turn our attention solely to the football players on the field on game day, there is a huge network of diverse coaches that have contributed to each and every player out there on the 50 yard line. Take a few minutes to think about the number of coaches who have invested their time, energy and skills sets to each and every player. Experienced coaches forge unstoppable teamwork.
In her latest book, Brené Brown, highlights something brand new with regard to coaching. There is whole new field of research looking into the “science of coaching”.
We shouldn’t be all that surprised about this — after all, neuroscience and psychology have been delivering all kinds of breakthroughs to help us relate in healthy ways to our emotional intelligence and to use psychological cues to bring our brain’s executive functions online. Why wouldn’t this science spill over into coaching?
It turns out that “teamwork really does make the dream work”.
Brene and her team of researchers asked this powerful question and made some remarkable discoveries from the answer:
The question: “What have we done during our coaching sessions that has been most helpful for your growth?”
The remarkable discoveries:
- Much improved understanding and genuine connection
- Deeper inquiry and self-reflection
- Designing value-based goals and actionable steps to achieve them
- Ongoing guidance for the process
- Expanding possibilities
Let’s pause here for a moment and pull a thread from yesterday’s post about “first times”. We have so many “first times” in our lives for which we have rarely been formally trained. Parenting comes to mind and tops the list.
Each and every one of our relationships throughout our lifetimes is another first time where we gain a lot of first-hand experience but rarely spend any time reflecting on what we have learned. We might joke that “this is not our first rodeo” as we welcome our second child to the family, but the reality is that this baby will likely be quite different from the first one. The same is true for romantic partners, best friends and siblings.
What have we learned from our experiences? What have we learned about ourselves from each of our many storied relationships?
Now let’s return to the benefits of coaching and partner it with our “first times”.
How might some meaningful coaching have helped you better prepare for becoming a first time parent?
What might you have learned about yourself after a relationship breakup if you’d unpacked your experiences with an insightful coach?
How would a seasoned coach help you handle those challenging “teen years” with your kids?
How might a good coach help you strengthen your new relationship or inevitable hurdles in a longtime one?
The big take-aways from Ryan Holiday, Ethan Kross and Brené Brown reveal that building a meaningful coaching staff for our own lives is essential. As Dr. Michael Gervais (elite sports psychologist) tells us, “we were never meant to do this work alone”.
The work of bringing our best selves to our relationships is a team effort. Of course a good coaching staff would make a meaningful difference. We need a healthy support system, some scaffolding to help us through our challenges, helpful reframing and perspective-taking.
Take this wisdom and the science to heart. Be discerning and intentional about building a personal coaching staff to help you navigate life with more clarity, actionable building blocks and expansive possibilities.
