Trailheads & Pivot Points

Why do we often “tap out” when things start to get harder? After all, we have already taken some of the most challenging steps to get us this far — why would we bail now?

I was thinking about this when I was on a hike recently; the elevation was challenging my endurance and the view was breathtaking. Yes, I was short of breath – I needed a little recovery time; a pause to catch my breath and get my bearings. 

It was in this moment that I pulled out a psychological tool from my imaginary backpack of personal growth & self discovery resources. I remembered how pushing through in my youthful running days, got me to the that next level – the one where I felt like instead of giving up, I could now run for miles. A flow state, a welcome plateau after the big push.

“You are just getting warmed up,” I encouraged myself. “Soon you will have found your rhythm and the cadence of this steep hike will feel amazing.” I set my sights on where I was excited to go – up that mountain to a lake nestled near the peak.

It is quite possible that I was also metabolizing something I’d read in Strong Ground by Brene Brown earlier that morning:  when we are building courage, we can’t tap out too soon.

Brene has done a lot of research and interviewed some of the most hardcore folks on the planet when it comes to the paradox of courage and vulnerability. From Navy Seals to the Seattle Seahawks football players, the answer was always the same — you cannot be courageous without vulnerability. 

You aren’t being courageous and brave if it’s easy; if there is nothing on the line; if you don’t have skin in the game. 

You won’t push through a transformational growth spurt, if you tap out too soon. Brene tells us that we have to “stay with it, stay longer.”

Here’s the thing about that elevated and challenging hike I took on that incredibly beautiful autumn day. I put in the reps consistently, to build cardio endurance and to stay physically flexible. The end game is to be able to do these more challenging elevated hikes with confidence, strength — and joy. I want to be able to take in the whole experience of exploring new heights and expansive vistas from a state of conscious awareness. I wouldn’t be able to do that if I am struggling to catch my breath or find my footing.

That’s the metaphor and mental imagery that is packed in the life skills backpack. 

When we feel our most vulnerable, we can reach for courage. We need a gentle but firm reminder that we can’t build courage if we aren’t feeling some discomfort. We need to channel our inner Navy Seal. We can, in fact, do hard things. We just have to do hard things with greater consistency.

Stop to think about a time when you were able to push through – even though you were feeling very vulnerable – and what it felt like on the other side of that.

The very first time you walked into a classroom full of people you didn’t know to learn something brand new. Did you have fun? Make a new friend? Surprise yourself with that piece of pottery, a sunset painting or woodcraft? You started out scared, unsure and reluctant – and you came out the other side with feelings of accomplishment and a sense of belonging. 

It is a very natural and organic process – these growing pains we experience. The hardest ones we face are the ones where we learn the most about ourselves and what we are truly capable of accomplishing. No pain, no gain. No vulnerability, no courage.

Brene tells us that to build more resilience, courage and confidence, we need to stay with our hard stuff — longer. Don’t tap out too soon. Don’t give up, don’t throw in the towel. 

It is more than okay to take a pit stop when you reach a plateau in your personal growth; when you feel a little winded and in need of a rest to recoup and recover. Take that break and resource yourself for the climb. Just be sure that you don’t tap out and slide backwards. You’ve come too far to quit now!

If you’ve ever been a runner, you know that feeling of almost sheer exhaustion right before you get that second wind – and shift into a flow state, where the run feels lighter, easier and you start to pay attention to the wonders all around you. 

Ironic isn’t it — that just moments before your heart felt like it was pounding out of your chest, your knees were aching and your energy felt depleted? What happened?

You pushed through — in the most transformational way. 

Dr. Becky Kennedy would tell us that when we don’t tap out too soon, we let our values catch up with us. Our values and long term goals grab our hands and hearts and take the lead.

When you find yourself in struggle with vulnerability, remember that it is a chance to work on your courage. You can’t build courage if you aren’t feeling that uncomfortable vulnerability. 

Trust me – the hard work is worth it. The view is breathtaking.