If you have a hankering for some surprising self-discovery, take a look at what you learn about yourself from your relationships with others.
Start small – and prepare to find your curiosity growing.
Who do you hang out with that makes you feel like you have to watch what you say? Why is that? What happens when you offer your opinion or challenge theirs? How do you adapt/change/accommodate when you are with this person?
There is some real self discovery in turning inward to explore the cause and effect of how you show up with people that make you feel guarded. What are your “go to” patterns in these common situations?
Exploring how and why we navigate conversations and relationships with people who put us on edge, make us feel guarded, or who just push back a lot — is one of the most fascinating places to learn about ourselves.
Let’s be real — most of the time, we are outward facing. We don’t give much thought to how we are showing up; we are just wishing that this person would be a little less combative, or be willing to give consideration to a fresh perspective.
In her book, Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab tells us that our relationships teach us who we are. She offers: “Our relationships hold so much valuable information, so use them to pay more attention to yourself.”
Ask yourself why you hang out with this person. What do you like about them? What do you learn from them? How do you feel after time spent with them — have you gained something from that conversation? Are you relieved to be free of tension? Or are you invigorated by the heated exchange?
Before you get too carried away and think that this is all about making some snap decisions about whether we should even be in a relationship with some people, take a deep breath and consider this reality: In her book, Let Them, Mel Robbins reminds us that we are all messy, flawed, beautiful complex people. The truth is that even those people we love dearly (our kids, our spouses, our besties) have parts of them that drive us nuts. Flip that around and you will see more clearly that there are parts of you that drive others crazy too. When we are in relationships with people, we accept the “whole” of who they are.
And here’s the pivot: We also want to be able to bring more of our whole, authentic self to our relationships.
That’s what self-discovery is all about. We want to work toward becoming more consistently authentic in all of our relationships. Yet, we often fail to see just how much we do slip into patterns of behavior that adapt/change/accommodate others.
As Brené Brown reminds us in her book Strong Ground, what really gets in the way of being authentic and consistent in who we are and how we show up – is the protective armor we use. Our patterns of behavior are revealed to us in our relationships.
Things really crystallize when we begin to take stock of the many different ways we use armor to navigate our relationships. When we can bring our true selves to our relationships, we will naturally begin to use tools and skills instead of armor.
This is where transformational magic happens.
Every single one of our relationships provides us with an incredible opportunity for self-discovery. We do get something from everyone we are in relationship with – and they get something of value from us in return. Otherwise, we wouldn’t waste our time.
I often encourage my friends to look for small stakes situations to practice new skills and tools. So if you have a friend like the one I described above, challenge yourself to drop the armor and try a new approach instead.
Chris Voss, the FBI negotiator, urges us to get curious about people’s strongly held opinions and the pushback they give us. Lean into that with curiously rather than trying to make your point and getting defensive. You might say “this really feels important to you – tell me more.” Here you are swapping out defensive armor and using negotiating skills. Then listen carefully — and use the “loop of understanding” that Charles Duhigg offers in his book, SuperCommunicator. With the loop of understanding, you are sharing what you heard and asking if you got it right.
It is not just repeating word for word what someone said, it is much more than that. It is tapping into empathy and letting someone know “you got it. That you get them.”
Let’s zoom out for a minute and see what is happening in the bigger picture when we do a little self discovery — and then bring more of our authentic self — to a small stakes relationship:
When we see more clearly that we often solve for our discomfort with a friend who challenges us in some way, we will see with clarity the protective armor we choose. As we are moving toward being more authentic, we change our attitude about friction and discomfort. It is just our brain and body preparing us to face the challenge; this time we choose tools and skills (not armor).
We use these small stakes situations to get in the reps we need to build our confidence in relationship skills and tools. Acknowledge that you might feel clumsy and not get the results you want YET, but you are willing to try.
Do a little self assessment after this pivotal change. How do you feel after that conversation with your friend? Do you feel more empowered than relieved now that it’s over? Have you had a change of heart about why your friend is so impassioned about something? Was the story you often told yourself about the friendship dynamic true – or were you missing context clues and backstory? Did your friend get to see and experience more of your most authentic self?
Nedra Glover Tawwab is spot on when she tells us that our most revealing self discovery comes from our relationships with others. If you have never stopped to think about the multitude of different ways you show up in the course of one day, prepare to be amazed.
Start to take inventory about where you are able to easily be your most authentic self, your best self, the one who is at ease and relies more on skills and tools than protective armor. Where there are gaps, there are discoveries to be made!
Terry Real, that dynamic couples therapist, reminds us that we often forget to look at our part in any relationship dynamic. We focus all our attention outwardly on another and may even pine for them to change. It is when we stop to think about our contribution to a relationship dynamic that we often discover we mask parts of ourselves. If we are constantly shape-shifting, accommodating and adapting in our relationships, no one is making real progress in transformational self discovery.
Get curious today — what will learn about yourself from your relationships?
