December 31, 2025
It’s New Year’s Eve and as we look ahead, let’s remember that how we meet each other in the coming year matters much more than we realize.
What if we met each other more often with generosity? If we just remember that each of us is doing the best that we can, with the information we have at hand, and our capacity to handle our nervous systems in the heat of the moment, we would smooth out a lot of bumps in the road of life.
Two very dynamic tools to carry with you at all times can be game-changers in 2026. One is variability. Paying attention to how each and every one of us varies from day to day or moment to moment in our ability to handle life.
Think of variability in people just like the weather – we are all subject to change multiple times throughout the day. One moment we can weather a storm. Another we are the storm.
When we sense that a friend or family member is having a bad day, a tough time or is overwhelmed, we can meet them where they are with kindness, validation and meaningful support.
Being keenly aware of variability keeps us from jumping to conclusions and make poor assumptions. Sometimes we can handle life’s hurdles with ease; other times we need a boost.
The second tool is co-regulation. When we can stay calm and meet someone who is emotionally dis-regulated, we attend to their nervous system first and foremost. Think of yourself like a first-responder. You remain calm and you bring a sense of calm to someone in distress.
It is helpful to remember that when someone’s nervous system is activated, it is because they are feeling an emotional warning sign. Something important matters to them in that very moment. It might be an over-reaction – or it might be quite valid under the circumstances. Either way, you’ll get clarity about that much quicker if you can help them dial down the alarms going off in their nervous system.
Are you ready to discover just how easy it actually is to meet others as a calm first-responder who is quite familiar in assessing variability? You do this naturally when you care for an infant.
When a baby cries, you soothe and calm. You would never approach a baby and match their distress by crying too.
An attentive adult runs through a quick mental check of the baby’s environment, daily schedule and basic needs, and yes — even sniffs for clues that a diaper change might be the cause of discomfort.
Caring for a baby comes quite naturally. Caring for each other no matter our age can become an equally organically second nature.
It is the very observant Dr. Ellen Langer who reminds us that variability plays a very key role in how we show up throughout our busy days. She laughs when reminding us that we pay more attention to our phones than our brains and bodies. We check to see how much charge our phone has, if the camera lens is clean, we keep it out of the hot sun and we panic if we can’t remember where it is. Yet, we rarely take into consideration what our body budget is, if we are seeing a situation clearly and if our mind has wandered off.
If you aren’t chuckling right now, you might need a nap, a snack or a vigorous walk.
How we meet each other throughout the ebbs and flows of our days is always subject to change. What I have found is that paying closer attention to variability offers some of the most beneficial context clues. This is where we start to pick up on patterns of behavior and can map them to environment, time of day, circumstances.
Do kids get snippy with each other just before lunch? Do they get obstinate when it is time to head out the door and you really need their cooperation? Does your spouse seem put out when you ask for help without an awareness that they are knee deep in a project? When everyone is starving and you feel pressured to whip up a hearty dinner, does it seem like you are herding cats?
The magic of paying attention to variability is that we often make some insightful discoveries about patterns of behavior. A few simple proactive adjustments can be game-changers with this information. If you know your kids start to pick on each other just before lunch, create a better system. Separate them before they get too hangry. Give them each a little task to do independently.
If you begin to pay closer attention to what your spouse is doing in the moment, you might realize that now is not the time to ask for help with hanging curtains or reviewing your Amazon cart online. Wait until your partner can come up for air.
Might it be really helpful to institute a 10 minute warning to help family members shift gears and move toward getting out the door on time for school or soccer?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When we spend some time being more observant and taking variability into account, we can devise good working systems to help daily life run a little smoother.
It is Dr. Marc Brackett, who co-founded the Center for Emotional Intelligence at Yale who encourages us to become rock-steady co-regulators; the sturdy leader who is a reliable first responder for over-active nervous systems. Turn the “match game” on its head; instead of catching and matching someone else’s emotional dis-regulation — You invite them to match you! Remember, you wouldn’t cry along with a baby. You would soothe.
I will let you in on a game-changing secret: When you start to meet others where they are by being calm, slowing down your interaction and response — big changes happen fast. Just a week or two of being much more consistent as a calm co-regulator brings about noticeable improvement for everyone.
The reason for this is our brains and nervous systems get accustomed to relying on a prediction about how we normally interact with each other. If a family member has a lot of experience with you getting upset when they are upset, they have an internal warning system with a very sensitive trip wire.
Game on — the match game that is. We instinctively predict that emotional contagion is inevitable and our nervous systems go on high alert. It’s a very familiar pattern and one that we brace for.
However, when you accept the challenge to become a calm co-regulator, you are the avenger of positive change. Consistency counts — and it really adds up to new and improved interactions. How you meet others when they are emotionally dis-regulated and their nervous systems are fired up can shift an old dysfunctional pattern in a matter of days. Co-regulation is a major game-changer.
As we are about to step into a brand new year, make a commitment to take these new skills and tools with you. Have a little fun paying attention to variability and making lots of discoveries. Think of yourself as a first responder and meet others in a way that is calming and validating.
Remember — this is much easier than you think it is. Pay as much attention to yourself and others as you do your phone and a sweet little baby. Just this mental reset will have you meeting others where they are in a dynamic new way.
Noteworthy Resources:
Follow Dr. Ellen Langer on your favorite social media platform. Her effervescent spirit is contagious in the best possible way. She brings out the childlike curiosity in all of us.
Follow Dr. Marc Brackett on your favorite social media and be sure to watch his Dealing with Feeling podcast on YouTube. Dr. Brackett’s newest book, Dealing with Feeling, is a game-changer for tapping into our emotions in a rich, informative way. Few of us learned about the relevance of our emotional intelligence and how to manage it in the best possible way. Dr. Brackett encourages us to find feelings mentors and emotions coaches — and to become one!
