A few days ago, I shared a post about building our mental, emotional and relational capacity, inspired by RaQuel Hopkins, who is known as the Capacity Expert. RaQuel encourages us to take care of ourselves in an extraordinary way – by building the capacity we need to navigate our life without getting drained. I like to think of it as a core component of nourishing, generative self care.
When we build the capacity to meet the demands of life with sufficient internal resources, we can begin to make a game-changing connection — the one we have with ourselves. “When we can operate from the truest version of ourselves, life gets much more expansive.” — Sharon Salzberg, in her book Real Life.
It is important to make this pivotal connection: When we burden ourselves with limiting beliefs, protective armor and a boatload of coping strategies, we restrict ourselves and carry around a lot of excess weight. We lose touch with who we really are. We do feel disconnected.
Things weigh heavily on our hearts and minds. We see problems not possibilities. We have self doubts and insecurities.
RaQuel Hopkins, the capacity expert, invites us to invest wisely in “self-trust” when we are building our capacity to meet the demands of life without losing ourselves.
Ponder this for a moment: When you lose yourself to a limiting belief, you lose the faith you have in yourself to do hard things, meet a challenge, take a chance.
When you lose your cool, you react without considering the consequences. You act out of character; get scary when you are scared; reject and deflect out of habit.
When you lose your awareness that you are “coping” and not “navigating”, you feel like you are flailing in a rip tide. You lose sight of the fact that you have skills, that you are a strong swimmer. You forget that you have access to tools to help you stay afloat, drop an anchor, avoid danger and get to higher ground.
RaQuel is crystal clear when it comes to the vital role our self-trust plays in building our capacity to manage our lives from a place of confidence, alignment with who we truly are, flexible and well-practiced. We practice what we preach. We hold ourselves to a higher standard in small stakes situations so that we are “at the ready” for the high stakes life events.
Brene Brown calls this transformational shift from armor and coping, the kettlebell exercises for our self development. We have to be able to trust ourselves to meet life to the best of our ability.
Personal insecurities, fear of others’ opinions, self doubt – they are energy drains and confidence deflators. We can’t build healthy, sustainable capacity when these things get in the way.
yung pueblo recently shared a post that highlighted that we cannot forge a deep connection with someone who is disconnected from themselves. What is so resonant about his insight is how we can pick up on another person’s disconnection, but be blind to our own. We can see clearly that our best friend is wrestling with imposter syndrome yet we know with great confidence, she is highly capable of knocking that goal out of the park. We let her “borrow our belief in her ability” when she is uncertain. We bridge the gap in her own self-trust and help her build her capacity to believe in herself.
In her book, Real Life, Sharon Salzberg offers a perspective about inner connection that becomes the reframe we all need:
“Connection is our greatest source of expansiveness. There is something about feeling we have presented ourselves authentically that is empowering and becomes a well source of personal agency. Connection is an inner state”.
This is precisely what yung pueblo is talking about. We limit ourselves with armor and coping strategies and behave in ways that are habitual, not helpful.
It also underscores the invitation that RaQuel Hopkins extends when she coaches us to develop a deep reservoir of self trust. RaQuel says this work matters. Why? Because we stop abandoning ourselves, stop calling avoidance peace, stop over-apologizing for choosing ourselves and holding boundaries. When we become the one person we can truly count on.
Kristin Neff, the author of Fierce Self Compassion, has long advocated for us to train our inner voice to be our best friend, our life coach. She offers us this easy on-ramp for building self trust. Start there. Start by talking to yourself like a best friend — the one you lets your borrow their belief in you.
If you begin to take this inner work seriously, and you commit to trusting in yourself more fully – you will notice a seismic shift on the inside. Prepare to be amazed because self-trust feels like solid ground and skillful agility. That feeling — that is being truly connected to yourself.
Remember that being authentically yourself does not mean being unfiltered, reckless and uncaring. In fact, it is just the opposite – it means you hold yourself to a higher standard, are aware of your impact on yourself and others, that you operate with a reservoir of emotional, mental and relational capacity. You are meeting life’s moments with a deep, connected trust in yourself and you are well-practiced with skills and tools.
Make the connection. When you can be the truest version of yourself, you will begin to make strong, flexible and deep connections. Life will hold more meaning, more potential and possibility. Your relationships will be strengthened and deepened.
I leave you with the wisdom of Sharon Salzberg: I”n the end, the foundation of our feeling connected instead of fragmented or split off, is being in touch with the fullness of our own being and bringing that into how we relate with our lives and with others.”
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