The heart-touching story of the little boy on a sandy beach tossing stranded starfish back into the ocean is one that is lodged within me. When an older man asks the small boy “why bother?” because there are far too many and he can’t possibly save them all – the little boy profoundly states “it matters to this one”. He then carefully tosses another grateful stranded starfish back into the salty brine.
I’ve often imagined that beach with several small, big-hearted children, joining forces to rescue all the stranded starfish and return them to the sea. A collective mattering practice. We can all pitch in and help.
I am currently reading the book simply titled Mattering by Jennifer Breheny Wallace. I can barely put it down. It touches something within me that feels much like the emotions that wash over me when I recall the story of the little boy on the beach with the stranded starfish. I find myself coming to rest on a single, profound truth — we often miss what matters most.
Faith Hill released a single in 1995 entitled “It Matters to Me”. That song was playing softly in the background of my mind as I was reading just how foundational it is to know that we matter to others. In her book, Jennifer highlights that mattering is one of the most essential, yet often overlooked, pillars of well-being.
Jennifer offers this definition of knowing that we matter: Feeling valued + Adding value= Mattering.
The harsh reality is that in today’s social climate, we sleepwalk right by what matters most. Like the older man on that sandy beach, we think “why bother”. It hardly matters what we do; we believe it won’t make a difference. Our current social culture is stagnant – in large part due to the fact that many people feel invisible, isolated and far from connected.
The antidote is to cultivate a mattering practice. It is far easier than you think — and it is refreshingly fun. When was the last time you felt like a kid, doing something not just for fun but because it made a difference; it mattered? Imagine yourself as that eager little boy on the sandy beach with all those stranded starfish. Your efforts matter.
If you took yourself out of the equation, you might be surprised to learn how much you really do matter. You may believe that your family takes you for granted, that you are invisible and no one notices how you add value to their daily lives. But if you are out of the picture for a few days, trust me – they notice.
The daily inner workings of any family can grind to a halt when someone steps away and stops adding value. When mom gets sick and has to stay in bed for a few days, it becomes crystal clear that she matters – a lot! When dad has to go out of town on business for a week, his absence does make the heart grow fonder. When a rowdy kid goes to camp for week, there is an emptiness that pervades the house. Something is missing and you miss that energetic, unpredictable wild child.
Why is it that we only realize who and what matters most when they are not present in our daily lives. When their routine contributions suddenly aren’t happening? When the wheels and gears of our family inner workings grind to a halt?
Jennifer reminds us that when we ignore greasing the wheels of our inner workings, eventually we just get worn down and forget that we matter, that we are inextricably connected and we depend on each other. Cultivating a mattering practice is like transmission fluid — it ensures that we each recognize just how much we matter and we express it. We stop taking each other for granted.
If you need a jumpstart to help you take stock of who and what matters most, imagine that someone you love is out of the equation. This is one of the fastest ways to remember what makes that person so special, what you love most about them, why you are so grateful that they are part of your daily life.
This simple exercise is like splashing cold water on your face. You wake up and do a little reality check. Your heart swells like the Grinch — grows three sizes bigger almost instantaneously. You begin to see the little things that person does that adds value to your life. You can’t imagine not having that person to hug, to laugh with, to console.
When was the last time you took stock of just how much you matter to others? You probably do a gazillion little things each and every day that add real value to the lives of those you love. You do them because they matter, but you fail to put them in the “I get to do this column”. You go through the daily grind muttering that you “have” to do this.
Taking stock of how you add value to the lives of others is the practice you need to shift you from feeling invisible, to knowing that you are adding value — that you matter.
I’ll pull a thread from a recent post I wrote about reframing our family structure as a healthy, thriving ecosystem. Use that image of a flourishing ecosystem to recognize that each of us is valued and adds value to the whole. What are you putting into the ecosystem that supports others in meaningful ways? How are your family members pouring into that ecosystem and how do their efforts support you?
If this feels like a gratitude practice, it is – to some degree. But if you really want to dramatically improve the impact — then be crystal clear. Tell others that they matter. Don’t assume they know it.
Before you jump in and overreact to something — take that pause and remember that the person you are about to engage with really matters to you. How will you convey that? How will it change your approach?
Trust me, it matters.
