I remember the first time I decided to lean into courage and respond quite differently to a friend than I usually did. I’d been listening to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast for more than a year and finally felt I could summon up enough courage to speak my truth. The truth was this friendship was really lopsided. I needed more from this friend to feel we had balanced give and take. Real reciprocity in being there for each other through thick and thin. I was wore thin and in the thick of things but my friend had distanced herself just when I needed her most.
This was not a sudden realization. It had been revealed to me slowly over time, the familiar pattern of our friendship was I would drop everything and be there for her when she called. So much of what she was experiencing in life was familiar to me. We had a lot in common. I would shore her up and she would feel better. I felt good too knowing I had made a difference. I watched her gain more self confidence and put herself out there in situations where she once felt shy and insecure. I loved how she was blossoming.
At the same time, I was becoming increasingly aware that she was distancing herself from me as she found her footing. When I needed a little encouragement or moral support, she was nowhere to be found. It was this imbalance that eventually contributed to what became a very lopsided friendship.
It dawned on me, slowly at first, that she only hung out with me now when no one else was available. I was the last resort.
This really crystallized for me when I was living near Scottsdale, Arizona. My friend would visit this vacation hot spot as a respite from cold, dreary Northeast winters, staying in the most posh hotels and playing golf at the most prestigious courses. She sent me an email out of the blue that she was there for a week right now. Could I drop everything and hit the spa with her, then a round of golf?
That email became the impetus to use a low stakes situation to practice all that I was learning from Brene Brown. I had nothing to lose by using skills and tools instead of old behaviors and armor. The friendship was lopsided and I was an afterthought. I chose this opportunity to try something new.
I did not jump at the chance to hang out with my friend. I spent half a day composing an email and screwing up the courage to shift the dynamic. She did not call me, she emailed me. She did not tell me in advance she was coming to Arizona. She robbed us both of the chance to get excited, to plan an adventure, to build the anticipation of time we could share together. I had a brand new grandbaby in my life now. She never expressed an iota of interest in meeting her. My truth was that I did not feel like a valued friend. Here was a golden opportunity to integrate all that I had been learning from Brene about courage, connection, vulnerability.
I crafted that email from a place that was brand new to me. I was dipping my toes into an entirely new way of showing up in the world and to my surprise, it felt really good.
I wrote that I would pass on her short notice invitation for a spa day and golf date. I also told her I would pass on sending her an email to catch her up on my life now. Then I got to the heart of the matter: I shared that I did not feel like a valued friend. I remember how I felt as I re-read my short email for the last time and hit send. I felt it viscerally inside and I liked it. I stood up for myself, I valued myself and I held a boundary. It felt good to put the work into real practice. To integrate all that Brene had been teaching me and give it a test run.
We do teach people how to treat us. The day I got my former friend’s email, that lesson became crystal clear to me. I had let her know time and again that being last on her list was A-ok. I settled for crumbs while all her newer friends were getting the best of her, of her invitations to play golf or go shopping, of planning those girls getaways and winter vacations. The one who was most responsible for our lopsided relationship was me. I let it happen.
This is a common plight of a people pleaser and a lifelong enabler. I was well practiced at both. I let the imbalance in my relationships slowly creep in over time. I did not ask for my needs to be met. If I was brave enough to reach out occasionally but was ghosted, I never expressed how that landed on me. I was quick to say yes to others and that meant I was saying no to me – too often, too much.
The faded, lopsided friendship was a foray into an entirely new way of showing up in the world. A small stakes opportunity to practice for bigger stakes down the road.
I was so pleasantly surprised at how I felt when I closed my laptop and turned to go out into the day, a little more confident and self-assured. I really liked this feeling of knowing my worth, of belonging to me, of holding my ground. I felt sturdy.
I remember saying to myself “I am not attached to the outcome.” This was yet another life lesson that I’d been learning from Dr. Rick Hanson. Again, a small stakes situation with a big positive impact baked into it. The friendship was already just a shell of its former self. I had nothing to lose by asking the question — is our friendship worth a more balanced, mutual investment?
That sunny day in Arizona is still burned into my mind and memory. I was more fully present than I had been in the past. Time spent with my infant granddaughter filled my heart with joy. To this day, a smile comes to my face when I recall touching her tiny little fingers and making her giggle. A walk in the neighborhood with her in my arms was delightful – more restorative than any massage in a small dark room would have ever been.
Are you curious what happened to that old friendship? Absolutely nothing. I never got a reply, or a phone call. That friendship had long faded away and now I could close the door on false hopes. That one integration of courage, boundaries and knowing my own worth opened another door for me.
I crossed the threshold where integrating the work became a meaningful pivot point.
Doing the work is much more than reading about it and hearing stories from teachers like Brene Brown and Dr. Rick Hanson. It is also much more than having an awareness of how relationship dynamics are playing out. It is being brave enough to show up much differently by integrating best practices.
That day I tried something new for the first very time was transformational for me. I began to proactively look for small stakes opportunities to try a new approach. Admittedly, I was clumsy and awkward at first. Over time, I have become much more skillful and at ease deploying tools and skills instead of protective armor and outgrown behavioral patterns.
My encouragement to you is to gather up your courage and start small. Use those lose stakes situations to begin the integration process. You’ve probably spent a lot of time making self discoveries as you read, listened and observed those who are teaching us better ways of showing up in life. Now it is time to put it all into practice.
The real work of self development is when you are intentional about integration.
