Trailheads & Pivot Points

It’s not other people we should be worried about – it’s our own patterns that take control

Nestled deep in a fascinating podcast conversation was a mic drop moment that gave Dr. Andrew Huberman great pause. It was his spontaneous reaction to an astounding reveal about how much control our behavioral patterns have over us. For me, it was a “mind blown” emoji coupled with an “aha” moment of genuine awareness. 

Our behavioral patterns control and manipulate us. Full stop.

Dr. Paul Conti was answering Andrew Huberman’s perplexing question about why it is so hard for us to make those changes we know full well would solve a lot of our personal problems. Why don’t we go the gym, eat healthier, get more curious than judgmental, stop procrastinating, get more disciplined and address our emotional triggers?

Dr. Conti made it crystal clear. Our reliable patterns of behavior control and manipulate us. They keep us gridlocked. 

We look outward and lay the blame on others. We cross our arms and announce: “You made me get angry.” “Why do you always trigger me?” “Why are you so annoying?” “If you’d clean up, get organized or quit judging me, things would be just fine!”

We honestly believe that we are being controlled, manipulated and stimulated by others. We fail to see that we have given away our personal agency. It is our well-grooved patterns of behavior and reactivity that have full control over us.

Andrew Huberman was spellbound as soon as Dr. Paul Conti ever so gently revealed this profound truth. 

That reality check caused Andrew to say “oh my goodness” — in a way that you just knew was a mind blown, aha moment. A game-changing insight.

We find it so hard to make the changes we know would do us a world of good because we are busy blaming others. We honestly believe that it is our spouse, our kids, friends or family members who are the root cause. Mark Manson would tell you that who you blame is who you give your power to.  Dr. Conti would smile and wholeheartedly agree with Mark. 

Dr. Conti invites us to reconsider this dreadful paradigm we’ve put ourselves in — and get really excited about taking back our personal power and our agency. It is our human nature to hate being controlled and manipulated. Dr. Conti would clap his hands in delight and say “Work with that! That’s rich self-knowledge! Where are you giving away your agency and ability to decide for yourself? Start there!”

It turns out the real entry point for living our lives feeling empowered, balanced and emotionally agile is by taking back our power. Our behavioral patterns have a lot of power over us- they control how we show up, why we overreact, have us jumping to conclusions and being myopic. 

How often do you let a two year old have all the power? That melt-down in aisle 5 of the grocery store can shrink you to their limited level of self-control.

How often does your spouse annoy and anger you? Why are you so willing to hand over the joystick you possess internally and let them get under your skin? Have you ever considered that if you tried a new approach to a common disagreement, the power struggle would end – and problem resolution would be easy?

What is one big emotion that you wrestle with the most? Is it anger? Is it resentment? Is it unhappiness? Those emotions and your normal reactions to them are giant clues to gaping holes where you allow behavioral patterns full control of how you show up.

Dr. Conti has the bedside manner of a calm, empathetic and endearing pediatrician as he pulls up a chair and leans into us and says “let’s try a whole new approach to dramatically improve your life.”

You are the one who gives away your power. You are the one who has forgotten about your personal agency and master skill of self-control. You are free to make choices that will easily produce better outcomes. 

You can continue to do things the hard way and stay stuck in old patterns of behavior. Or you can take back your agency and self-control. You can choose how you want to feel in any given situation, you can choose responses that are in alignment with your core values, and you can take yourself out of situations til you have a clearer head.

If all of this sounds much better and a lot more dynamic than slogging through life feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s patterns of behavior — Welcome to the Club! 

Dr. Conti smiles, gives you a reassuring pat on the shoulder and hands you his latest book, What’s Going Right: A Powerful New Method for Optimizing Your Mental Health. He tells you that you already possess what you most desire: You are both empowered and agentic in how you show up in your life and relationships. You simply have been giving both away too freely to emotions, thoughts and constrictive behavioral patterns.

Now that you know just how often you probably are giving away your power – you will not be able to unsee it. 

You will sense that your teen’s temporary snarkiness ensnared you. 

You will practically laugh that your larger than life toddler supersized a small lack of control in aisle 5.

You will realize that your spouse is having a bad day and could use some help instead of becoming so reactionary and judgmental. You took it personally and it was never about you.

And those prickly emotional triggers? They are nothing more than old maps stored in your limbic system. Your nervous system gets activated and your emotions run high based on accumulated past experiences. Only you can pull the stingers out of old emotional triggers. Once you do that, you will find yourself meeting present moments with greater calmness and much more self control.

Isn’t this fun? Kicking off an ordinary Monday with a mic drop moment that will have tremendous positive benefits for you – from this day forward!

Remember, who you blame is who you give your power to, just like Mark Manson says.

Take back your power to choose how you want to feel and behave. You always have agency.

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