If you want to know yourself better, have deeper conversations with a SuperCommunicator
We have this image of a super communicator as someone who captivates us with a silky tongue, the gift of gab and a magical ability to hold our undivided attention. But that description is more befitting of a skilled orator.
A genuine supercommunicator is one who actually makes us feel seen, heard and valued. They listen to learn. We will rarely remember exactly what they said – but we will most assuredly remember how they made us feel. Not just in that moment, not just a few hours later, but always – and forever. They leave a lasting impression on us.
The reason for this is that a super communicator often reveals something that has been hidden from us, but was ours to own all along. They are very skilled at dislodging something that keeps us stuck.
Kids are natural born supercommunicators. They ask an endless stream of why questions. One answer begets another question – each question digging a little deeper for greater understanding about something that fascinates them to no end. That is precisely the reason that kids can ask “why” ad naseum. To a child, there is no end in sight to possibilities of what can be uncovered and discovered.
One of the reasons that we struggle to be super communicators as adults is that we lose interest in digging a little deeper. We skim the surface in our conversations with others and rarely stop to get curious enough to ask more questions.
In his book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg, points out that those who make us feel something deeply both during and after a conversation, actually ask 10-20 more questions. Imagine that — it is the inquiry process – that becomes the active ingredient that makes us feel seen, heard and valued.
I cannot resist tugging on this thread — the inquiry process.
We are learning that self-inquiry is both a lost art and a needed practice. What came so naturally to us when we were kids has been forgotten and ignored.
Because we fail to routinely practice conscious self-inquiry, we become a mystery to ourselves. That’s precisely why when we have a deep conversation with a friend who listens to understand, who validates us and helps us get multiple perspectives about something niggling at us — we feel it so viscerally.
We leave those deep conversations feeling a stronger sense of self. That is precisely why those conversations have such incredible staying power. They shift something inside of us, making room for us to actually know ourselves better. We operate now with a little more clarity and a stronger root system. We feel grounded in self-awareness.
We can thrive and flourish when we have a friend or two who is a skilled supercommunicator. Think of these folks as a co-author in your self-inquiry process.
If you are not someone who routinely journals – but you do love having deep conversations with a particular friend, you are actually deriving incredible self-knowledge benefits from those chats. No wonder they feel so nourishing and uplifting. Our self-knowledge is full of the very macro-nutrients we need in order to grow.
Here’s a surprising little nugget of wisdom you may not know: Joe Hudson, the founder of Art of Accomplishment, and a dynamic coach for personal transformation, reminds us that the first 7 years of our life are the richest for our human development. We learn more with ease from birth to age 7, mostly by keen observation, osmosis and consistent repetition. We are innately curious and deeply invested in self inquiry by our very nature – in those first 7 years.
Why in the world we stop engaging with this fundamental and foundational practice of self-discovery and self-inquiry is the most confounding question we can ask ourselves.
Dr. Ellen Langer, author of the Mindful Body, has something revelational to add to our natural self-discovery process. She remains as curious and fascinated as her 7 year old self and she comes bearing a gift: magical kaleidoscope lenses that would inspire the same childlike curiosity we once had. She would challenge us to come up with as many wild ideas as possible as potential answers to our many questions by looking through a variety of lenses. Dr. Langer reminds us, as only a true blue friend can really do — that what people do makes sense to them; otherwise they wouldn’t do it.
Someone who helps you unearth why you do what you do, often repeatedly, is helping you excavate and examine. Is what you are now habitually doing – still making sense at this stage of your development?
When was the last time you stopped to self-reflect on that?
Charles Duhigg tells us that supercommunicators are skillful detectors of the type of conversation we are having: There are three types: emotional, practical and social.
Joe Hudson would point out that we honestly believe we are making logical and practical decisions most of the time, but the reality is that our decision-making is driven by our emotions.
Without self-inquiry, we become blind to the fact that our emotions are actually running the show, driving our lives rather recklessly, and taking us off course.
When we partner with a supercommunicator and have those deep conversations, we are encouraged to let our guard down – and actually see the bigger picture – without so much emotional investment clouding our perspective.
What I have learned about myself through many deep conversations with really good communicators who ask incredible questions and listen to help me learn about myself — is that nearly all my decisions are emotional, practical and social. I have simply overweighted one of those 3 aspects.
I am either too emotionally invested, am not really being all that logical or practical even though I firmly believe I am, and that other people have been or will be impacted by how I am showing up in life.
In his latest book, What to Make of a Life, Jim Collins urges us to make self-knowledge a top priority in our daily lives. This imperative is echoed in Dr. Paul Conti’s current book – What’s Going Right.
Self-awareness and self-reflection are guiding principles for getting to know ourselves. But as Dr. Michael Gervais shares at the end of each of his podcasts “no one does this work alone.”
To gain some real traction in self-knowledge, find those people who help you the most with self-inquiry. You will know who they are without much effort. Who are the people who make you feel good about yourself, who remind you how far you’ve come and who routinely reframe and right-size the challenge you are currently facing?
Those are your personal collaborators who help you rediscover who you are and how to fast-track what helps you evolve. Just like a 7 year old, you will find this to be fun, invigorating, adventurous and deeply insightful.
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