Trailheads & Pivot Points

A pivotal question that helps many parts of you step forward while staying true to your values

It stopped me in my tracks. A compelling short reel from RaQuel Hopkins on Instagram where she was addressing head on something I have wrestled with much of my life: Am I showing up consistently or coherently in each role I have in my life?

We conflate the two. Yet there is such a compelling distinction and it is very one we want to hang our hat on. 

Let’s start by acknowledging that we do in fact wear many hats in our daily lives. Each of our many identities requires something a little different from us. Who we are at work often differs from who we are at home. Pause for a few minutes to give serious consideration to how you conduct yourself as a small business owner vs. a parent. Your relationship to your role plays a big part in how you show up. 

Different parts of ourselves do step forward depending on the role we play. Are you a take-charge kind of person running your small business and making quick decisions on the fly with confidence? Yet, at home when you are actively co-parenting with your spouse, are you more amenable to hearing lots of opinions and seeking consensus? 

RaQuel’s short Instagram reel made me stop and really think deeply about my many roles in life, all the different hats I wear, and ask that honest question: Am I showing up consistently or coherently?

Once upon a time the honest answer would have been “Yes, I am consistently a people pleaser; at work, at home, with friends, with family”. 

What I couldn’t see then that I can see so clearly now was that all of the different people that I interacted with during the course of a normal day counted on my consistently being a people pleaser. What I know now that I didn’t know then was that it worked for them, but I felt like a shape-shifter, changing costumes and acting in a way that was often far from my core values.

I was consistent in the pattern of behavior.

I was not coherently operating from my core values. 

No wonder I often felt resentful, uneasy, frustrated, invisible and misunderstood.

I had a little flashback while deep in self-reflection about this huge distinction between consistency and coherence. I was in my mid-thirties and heading off to work after the typical confrontation with my then-husband. Each day started with a laundry list of my shortcomings and his higher expectations of me. I’d slink to the car feeling like a loser. But something shifted in me as I opened that car door and entered the private space of that vehicle. I sat up a little straighter, took control of who I was and what I was made of, as my fingers wrapped around that steering wheel. As I navigated the car down a 900 foot gravel driveway, I felt empowered and excited about going to work where for 8 hours I could fully be myself. I recall that back in the day, I often felt like a caged bird who was freed to spread her wings and relax as I would drive off to work. Upon my return in the evening, I would literally feel myself tucking in my wings and fading my colors, so as to fit back into all those limitations.

It was that flashback that snapped me into reality and into the realization that for decades I had shown up consistently, but not coherently. I wanted to hug RaQuel Hopkins for this breakthrough.

I have so many vivid examples of where I stood up for myself (and others) at work, with a confidence and strong voice that I simply could not access at home. The direct result of this striking difference was that I grew exponentially in my work environments over the years, all while shrinking and withering at home. Two sides of the same vine; one thriving, one shriveling.

RaQuel makes it so clear that we do in fact invite different parts of ourselves to step forward depending upon the role we are in, our comfort level in that role, and how much we are in touch with who we most desire to be. 

When we are in alignment with our core values, we stay grounded and true to ourselves, all while being flexible, agile and strong in any of our many roles.

As she says in her quote which I shared above: Her goal is not for people to say she is always the same. Her goal is for people to see quite clearly her core values regardless of the parts of her that are stepping forward and being so visible.

I want the same for myself. A quick personal review this morning reveals that I am on the right path. It is something that has been emerging in me with greater awareness over the past few years. 

I own my hat rack. I know full well that I do wear a lot of hats and I love them all! I am also honest that each of my many hats does in fact require something a little different of me in the role that matches the hat — and that I do bring the best parts of myself forward to complement the hat.

But I have done a Marie Kondo purge of behavioral patterns that were in direct conflict with my hats. No more costume changes that defied or denied my core values. No more people pleasing, conflict avoiding and shrinking to make someone else temporarily feel bigger or better than me.

What I feel these days when I get in my car is no different than how I felt before I opened the driver’s side door. I am who I am – grounded in my values and getting better every day at showing up coherently. 

I take up enough space to be my best self; no more shrinking or becoming invisible.

If I catch myself about to people please, I can do a little self-check in on my core values. If I please others, am I betraying myself? 

I can actually laugh at myself now when I remember how outspoken I was at work and the positive changes that came as a direct result of finding my voice and advocating for myself and others. If I could approach bosses about issues like health insurance, poorly designed marketing initiatives and fraud, then I can surely do the same with confidence and diplomacy with family and friends. 

If you are not yet familiar with RaQuel Hopkins, I urge you to check her out. She is best known on Instagram as The Capacity Expert. She has found her purpose in teaching us to stop getting in our own way by talking ourselves out of bringing our full, best self to every part of our lives.

We have more capacity than we give ourselves credit for – and we often let the best parts of our self come forward on a very limited basis. 

Bring your best parts forward with confidence, grounded in your core values. Work diligently and with greater self-awareness that you can actually knit together the best parts of who you are in all your many roles to become one very coherent amazing YOU.

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