Not just a word or two, but a deeply personal commitment to how you choose to live
If someone approached you and inquired what your core values are, would you be able to tell them?
Most of us would struggle to articulate our core values off the cuff. We might roll up our sleeve to reveal a tattoo that has significance. Perhaps we’d rattle off 10 admirable attributes that are on vivid display in our living room in a framed inspirational poster about family.
If we paused to really think about either the tattoo or the poster, could we honestly say we live by those values, day-to-day — in the heat of the moment?
Our core values should be more than words alone.
Our core values should carry a lot of weight. They should be both top of mind and deeply grounding.
We should choose them with great care, define them in a very customized way, and find them to be like helpful guardrails as we navigate the days of our lives.
Yet most of us would be hard-pressed to identify and clearly articulate our core values – especially if we were put on the spot. Ironic isn’t it? That our guiding principles simply escape us?
Take a moment to think about that Pinterest-inspired mantra about family that hangs in your home. Are you living out those values when the going gets rough?
In her latest book Anchored, Aligned, Accountable, Aiko Bethea, wants us to reframe our core values. Not the words in a frame – but the way we use them to anchor us and serve as our compass for life.
Aiko paints an image that is easy to grasp – and admittedly harder to hold on to when the seas of life are choppy. She tells us that we should have two strong, definitive core values that carry a lot of weight. They ground us. They also provide a North Star to guide our choices, behaviors and actions.
You may have a lovely framed poster on the wall in your house, but if you aren’t grounded by it and living by the guiding principles, then it’s merely empty words and magical thinking.
Aiko impressed upon me that our core values help us do the math. Those value calculations that help us make better decisions for the long haul. Core values that we really live by force us to pause between stimulus and response, to solve for collective good outcomes (and not just short term discomfort) and to take stock of our impact on others (both short and long term).
I thought about core values as an elevator pitch. Could I articulate my two core values to a stranger in an elevator that would capture their interest and make it so evident that I have a strong inner compass?
I have been hearing for quite some time the integral importance of being able to clearly identify one’s core values. Brene Brown discusses it at length in her book, Strong Ground. Jim Collins says it becomes a blueprint and travel map for all the decisions we make in our life in his book, What to Make of a Life. Dr. Paul Conti also stresses why it matters in his book, What’s Going Right? If we don’t know what we value, how can we assess whether things are going in the right direction or not?
I’ve also noticed that we are being told to intentionally whittle down our core values to only two. Brene Brown and Adam Grant share on their Curiosity Shop podcast that most people will rattle off ten core values but quickly come to realize that eight of those values are the underpinnings of two key core values – our personal guiding principles.
Brene shares that her two core values are faith and courage. Other values she cares about are folded into both courage and faith and she sees that so clearly now.
In her book, Aiko Bethea identifies loyalty and justice as her prevailing core values. What really captivated me was Aiko’s detailed, personalized definition of loyalty:
“To me, loyalty means being honest. It means I aspire to show my care and commitment to other, our partnership/relationshis, or our mutual connection points by telling them the truth. I means I expect others to tell me the truth, no matter what: straight, no chaser.”
This is the deeper work of identifying our core values. It is getting very granular with the customized definition of what that guiding life principle means to us. It is actionable, recognizable and easily articulated to others.
Aiko points out that to some loyalty may mean a blind allegiance. The old “stand by your man” rule of thumb. Family loyalty can be a clear example of where we accept a lot of bad behavior and poor choices because after all “we are family”. If you stare at that framed family values long enough, you will begin to see quite clearly that rarely are you living up to the standard you’ve wished for — you simply go along to get along, keep the peace at all costs and turn a blind eye. This is how we get a rather twisted view of core values. Home is where so much of our framework for life is built – but empty words and platitudes build a shaky foundation.
This is the crossroad we’re arriving at now – as we shed old patterns of learned behavior, limiting beliefs we inherited but rarely challenged and the false narratives that become the fabled stories we tell ourselves — we are being invited to reframe and rebuild a stronger, workable foundation for ourselves.
Core values are essential. They anchor us and provide a North Star.
Begin to cultivate your own two core values. Take your time and flesh them out fully. Note how so many of your basic values are the very underpinnings of the two that rise to the surface time and again. See that interconnection and inter-play.
Most importantly, curate and craft a deeply personal definition of each of the two core values. Only you can truly define what grounds you and what guides you.
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