It is basic human nature to boil things down. We tend to sort in a very simplistic way —believing that people are either one or the other — hopeful or cynical, good or bad, wrong or right, like us or not like us.
If you look up the definition of human nature, you’ll find that it offers a simple framework — it is our “go to” psychological characteristics, feelings and behavioral traits that are our basic human nature. We would take this definition, shrug our shoulders and say “we are who we are”.
It is easy to see why we fall into this trap of simplifying human nature. We become so reliant on our behavioral patterns that we choreograph “dances” with others, finding ways to be in lock-step even if we are actually stepping on each others’ toes.
Author Harriet Lerner has written a whole series of books about the various “dances” we learn so we can move in our relationships with some degree of predictability. We come to rely quite heavily on what we think we know about another person’s human nature.
Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist, reveals in her books how often we take our cues about other people’s human nature by observing their patterns of behavior. We become skilled at predicting how they will react, and we choreograph how we will navigate this.
Harriet’s book titles are likely to make you laugh with a sudden realization that you might be a prima ballerina or skillful line dancer. Do any of these relationship dances sound familiar to you?
The Dance of Fear, The Dance of Connection, The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Deception, The Mother-Daughter Dance, The Dance of Intimacy
Have you ever stopped to wonder why we limit ourselves to dancing around the heart of the matter?
We are all so much more than our behavioral patterns and a handful of feelings.
Robert Greene, acclaimed author, wrote his book Mastery to inspire us to become much more creative and curious about our human nature and how we can nurture it. He tells us that we focus too much on people’s outward reactions to life. We pay close attention to how someone reacts and almost no attention to why.
Once we see a pattern of behavior, we label people. We boil human nature down and think we’ve figured each other out. We keep each other tethered to all those dances that Harriet Lerner reveals to us.
In his book, the Daily Laws, Robert Greene tells us that reducing human nature like we do is really problematic. His decades of research brings to light that we are very poor observers of people around us. We’re poor listeners. We are too quick to judge others: they are good or evil, likable or not likable, too rigid or too wishy washy.
Robert shares a powerful insight that cannot be denied in our current societal culture:
“But finally, we are at a point where we can overcome our resistance to the truth about who we are through the sheer weight of knowledge, we have now accumulated about human nature.” (excepted from pg. 141, The Daily Laws)
Robert Greene tells us that we see just a small portion of who people really are. We get so accustomed to their reactive behavioral patterns, that we just deal with those predictable patterns and figure out ways to guard against them, or go along with them.
The way out of this mess we’ve made of limiting each other is to become keen observers and deep listeners. Robert reminds us that the master observers and listeners are children. He urges us to return to our childlike curiosity and wonderment, especially when it comes to getting to know ourselves and others.
Ironic isn’t it – that as children we did keenly observe our parents and other adults. We took note of how they were reacting to life – and came up with some dance moves that would help us stay safe and feel connected to them even when the ground beneath us was quaking. We self-perpetuated the generational dances of dysfunction. No wonder we are collectively worn out and bored of the same old song and dance.
Take some time today to reflect on yourself and your own human nature. Start here. You are so much more than those “go to” behaviors you rely on to avoid stepping on toes in your relationships. Wouldn’t you love to move with greater ease and more improvisation as you dance through life?
Now take some time to take into consideration how little you actually know about your dance partners. How might they move if you didn’t automatically go into lock-step with the familiar relationship dance you’ve done for years?
Robert Greene points out that each and every one of us has “a really deep, rich inner life. We just don’t realize it.”
Our human nature is as complex, diverse, rich and profound as the wonders of Mother Nature. We can be as “awed” by each other as we are by the marvels we discover in the natural world.
We simply have to remind ourselves to be as inquisitive and curious as a child.
Become a very keen observer of people. Become a deep listener, curious and eager.
Robert Greene offers this: Accept the nature you share with others. Stop separating yourself out as special or superior.
