In her Unlocking Us podcast, Brene Brown would wrap up by asking her guests “what is one life lesson that you just have to keep learning over and over?”
This poignant question was often met with a chuckle, a self-admission that it is our human nature to fail and think nothing of it.
Rarely did it take a guest more than a split second to identify that life lesson that revealed itself time and again. How curious that it was right there — top of mind and readily accessible — and yet it never sank in.
Brene and her guest would often nod their heads, mirror back to each other, how they too grappled with a similar life lesson that kept showing up like pop quizzes and wondering out loud how long it would actually take for them to get past this one – to get a passing grade.
Oh how I wish we could go back in time and go a little deeper into those segments of the podcast; probing that gold mine for the real treasures in that simple question.
Imagine listening deeply to a practice of self-reflection.
What if Brene had followed up with this question: “What are you learning about yourself from the lesson you are continually revisiting over and over?”
Now things would get really juicy – and we’d probably lean in with rapt attention. Our curiosity would get the best of us — we would be transfixed by what someone might actually reveal about the inner workings of being a flawed, messy, beautiful human being. What is that human being “doing” that prevents them from learning an important life lesson?
The insightful clues as to why we have to keep learning the same life lesson over and over are hidden in plain sight. Clearly, something we are doing on repeat is the very reason we get the lesson repeatedly.
Imagine starting there – a little trailhead labeled “Self-reflection Lookout Point.”
Those life lessons that we need to keep learning over and over, that show up decade after decade even though we’ve gotten older, made a lot of life changes, and even feel we have a plan — they are all rooted in our patterns of behavior.
Our circumstances may have changed dramatically, but we just keep bringing the same old patterns everywhere we go. We keep doing the thing — and getting the same lesson in creative and confounding ways.
It is very clear from Harvard’s landmark study on happiness, that the key ingredient for learning life’s lessons and having them stick — is self-reflection.
It should become standard practice anytime we encounter an obstacle, face an adversity or adversary, put points on the board, make some forward progress.
The real poignant question is: “What am I learning about myself from this experience?”
It’s become so mainstream now to encourage people to look at childhood behavioral patterns that once worked like charms – but that are no longer working in adulthood. We’ve outgrown them, but we still squeeze into them like that old beloved concert t-shirt or the jeans we can’t toss. We hang on too long. We get the same life lesson over and over.
The key that unlocks us is self-reflection.
What are you really learning about yourself as you journey through life? Are you taking field notes and referring to them from time to time? Do you feel like you are growing more proficient at navigating life; meeting challenges with more skill and resilience?
Or are you getting tripped up and stumbling around? How often do you experience some deja vous? (You feel like you’ve been here before, even though your surroundings are new.)
I had one of those pivotal “aha” moments a few years ago, when I got hit with a major deja vous sensation. It was a passing snarky comment that stopped me in my tracks and shrunk me to a ten year old. A flashback jolted me and now I was deeply emotionally triggered. I had no choice but to “feel the feels”. Emotional triggers left unexamined will send a shock wave through my nervous system – as real and strong as the very first experience from six decades ago. In that one singular moment, I was trapped between an old childhood snapshot and a present day blip on the radar.
To my credit, I had the wherewithal not to lash out or curl in a ball crying. I took a few deep breaths and gave my nervous system some time to reset. The shock waves waned. I was no longer paralyzed by that emotional current. Admittedly I was moving slowly though, even my thought process was slowing.
I excused myself from the current situation. Honestly, no one was the wiser. No one was aware that I was struggling because of one careless snarky comment. What a relief!
Alone in my apartment, I brewed a cup of herbal tea and pulled out my journal. I dumped the whole experience out onto the pages, a detailed accounting; blow by blow. What I discovered surprised me. I dove into that journaling with a passionate accounting of “the story I was telling myself.” But the current author, in her sixties, saw quite clearly that a ten year old was spinning the tale.
I got a lot of clarity about a decades old emotional trigger about not being good enough, not doing a job to perfection, not meeting the demands of an unreasonable person who had a lot of control over me at that time.
I got creative. I was bound and determined to free myself of an old emotional trigger and the discomfort it always brought — even when my current situation was no match for that old tale. I imagined my emotional trigger as a jellyfish, with long tentacles draped across my back. I told that jellyfish that with each subsequent experience of a stinging emotional trigger, I would carefully remove one sticky tentacle at a time — until I was freed.
Ironically, the very next day in a very similar situation, another snarky comment was lobbed – and you guessed it — I felt that trigger. I was standing in front of the washer and dryer, feeling strong emotions washing over me. I took a deep breath and I smiled to myself. I reached over my shoulder and patted my imaginary jellyfish on the head. “I see you old friend” I said to myself. I closed my eyes and imagined myself gently pulling one sticky tentacle off my back. What a relief! I proved to myself that I could do this. I could, over time and with practice, free myself from that debilitating emotional trigger.
I share this story with you to illustrate how self-reflection illuminates where we are getting in our own way. It wasn’t someone’s snarky comment that was the problem – it was my knee jerk reaction to it. The self-reflection about the story I was telling myself showed me my 10 year old self in front of an ironing board and a daunting stack of laundry. The editor of that story I was telling myself – was the now fully grown adult, with a proven track record of responsibility, capability and worthiness.
I often use a good metaphor to help me pivot when I feel unmoored. That sticky jellyfish did the trick. I had no idea I would befriend the very thing I created to help me learn a life lesson that really needed to stick.
