Your fulcrum is that happy medium between co-dependency and counter-dependency
If you have ever found yourself needing some breathing room, a little break, from someone (and especially someone you love dearly), take heart! You are not alone.
If you have ever felt so all alone and just needed someone to notice that you could really use some moral support and a helping hand, take heart! This is normal and natural.
It turns out that we often find ourselves imbalanced. Sometimes we desire to have some independence and time alone. Other times we are too much on our own. Finding the sweet spot is our balancing act.
It’s a bit like Goldilocks searching for what feels just right.
In her book aptly titled The Balancing Act, Nedra Glover Tawwab, shines some light on the subject of co-dependency and counter-dependency, removing the stigma and revealing the magical sliding scale that it really is.
Sometimes we need others to help us feel stable and balanced.
Sometimes we need time alone to find our footing and recalibrate.
We can use the image of a doctor’s office weight scale to help us wrap our heads around this balancing act – and finding our sweet spot more often, during the normal course of daily life.
Notice that when this weight scale is used, the changes in the weight distribution are done in small, intentional increments. A gentle tap to the right or left, paying attention to which direction works best to find the perfect balance – at that very moment in time.
And so it is with wanting time alone and wanting to be in the company of others. Sometimes we relish being co-dependent and other times we crave counter-dependency. It’s a balancing act.
It is only unhealthy and unstable when we lean too much one way or the other.
Nedra weaves together the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems to help us get some clarity about why we have a tendency to swing our personal pendulums too far when it comes to the polar opposition of co-dependency and counter-dependency. There is a part of us that is pushing the swing as hard as he or she possibly can to get what we want most in the moment.
Most of us have felt this — but didn’t really know what was happening. Some part of us absolutely needs some independence. We lean really hard on counter-dependence to bring ourselves back to that sweet spot where we feel a calming sense of balance. “I can do this myself.” “I want to be alone.” “I don’t need you or your help.”
Counter-dependence is independence. We want the freedom to do it our way, to not be judged or constrained, to have full agency and autonomy. It is only natural. There is nothing wrong with feeling a need for greater independence.
But no one should be living so fiercely independent that they don’t invite others in and enjoy the company. Even a wild swing will eventually come to rest in the middle ground.
Co-dependency gets a bad rap but it’s time we get past that too. People need people. We humans are hardwired for connection and belonging. We have mirror neurons to help us reflect back and forth to each other the plethora of good things we see and feel. We can naturally co-regulate each other. When one person is too amped up on emotions, the other can be the calming factor.
The bad rap that co-dependency gets comes from that part of us that also pushes the swing too far — in the wrong direction and holds it there, like a strong-willed child shouting “I’m not letting go!” When we get stuck believing that we can’t possibly do things on our own, we are left high and dry, feet dangling in mid-air – afraid to jump off and find solid ground.
The pendulum swings too far and freezes in that extreme. We become much too dependent on others, to our detriment. On the far end of the balancing act between independence and healthy co-dependence are the straws we grasp at to help us feel some sense of control: learned helplessness, people pleasing, enabling, clinging (out of fear of abandonment).
What I loved about how Nedra maps out Internal Family Systems and the parts of us that have very strong desires for either independence or companionship is that it feels just like being a child. It is normal, natural and completely understandable.
We never really outgrow that continuum where sometimes we want to be alone and other times we need our people.
We don’t judge kids as they test their limits, fight for their independence, run back home and into our waiting arms. We accept the full range of the spectrum; we actually delight in it.
It is a very natural and normal back and forthing. The sweet spot changes, depending on what we need the most in any given moment.
Dr. Ellen Langer reminds us that the new and improved mindfulness always factors in variability. One day we may delight in the company of others – the more the merrier. Other days, we just need to be alone. Nothing is wrong either way. We are just taking what we need to strike a balance – to find our sweet spot.
During the course of any normal day, we will begin to notice when time spent with others is just what we need. We get refueled by being in the company of others, feeding off their energy, creativity and curiosity.
We will also begin to cultivate greater self-awareness when we get the sense that we could use a little recalibration. When we need some time alone to clear our head, take a meaningful break, find our inner balance.
Those parts of us that push our relationship swing too hard in one direction or another are simply little kids – who need some coaching and training. The message they deliver is one worth heeding — but we don’t have to rely on extremes.
When your inner kid is demanding time alone, find your sweet spot. You can be clear and kind with your loved ones and friends. “I am going to take a break to reset.” “I want to work independently on this project for a while. I’ll let you know if I need help.”
When your inner kid needs others but you sense he or she could be a little too demanding and needy, find the sweet spot. A little self-inquiry goes a long way in gently tapping the weight of the scale to get just the right amount of what you might be needing. Do you need some reassurance for your insecurity or anxiety? Could you use a reframe and fresh perspective on something that’s bothering you? Do you need to borrow someone’s belief in your ability to do hard things? Would some healthy co-regulation be soothing and calming right now?
Begin to pay attention to your sweet spot when it comes to time spent with others and time you need apart. It is as natural and rhythmic as being a kid on a swing.
Our needs vary all throughout the day. We can appreciate the full spectrum of what we need at any given time. Some times we relish our independence. Other time we just want some good company. Other times, we need more — we need to feel a deeper connection.
I will leave you with this image. These are musical swings in Raleigh, NC. When we are in attunement with ourselves and others, we do find harmony. That’s the sweet spot we can return to again and again. Start to notice when a part of yourself pushes you too strongly to one end of the relationship spectrum or another. Retrain that part of you to come back to center. As Brene Brown tells us “the center will hold.” The center is our sweet spot of healthy balance.
